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Excerpts From 101 Ways to Foil a Terrorist

The Manual
  • #46.
    1. Install ejection seats in all cockpits, with exit panel above cockpit automatically re-closable after ejection.
    2. Ejection seats are automatically activated by auto-pilot being programmed with the coordinates for any tall building or landmark in the U.S.
    3. Post a labeled list, in Arabic, of said coordinates next to the auto-pilot, along with illustrated instructions for programming.
    4. In the event that terrorists are too stupid to manage even that much, have secondary activation button for ejection seats in secure panel outside cockpit, with tertiary activation system available at NORAD.
    5. During ejection, a secondary spring fires a hot iron brand upwards through bottom of the seat. Anyone who might happen upon the terrorist at a later date, planted face down somewhere in the amber waves of grain, should be able to clearly read: "Plowable Compost. Courtesy al-Qaida World Development Fund."

    Note: While al-Qaida compost product has yet to be FDA approved, pending study of growth rates of crops in Afghanistan in coming years, most experts agree that the product is the only potentially valuable contribution to civilization by al-Qaida to date.

  • #47.
    1. Assign suspected hijacker to a middle-row seat, between any two people weighing more than 260 pounds.
    2. Hijacker's arms and body will be pinned for the duration of the flight, despite all attempts to free himself.

    NOTE: While many innocent civilians have been inadvertently neutralized by this method, it is thought that as many as 314 hijackings have been thusly averted. If one finds oneself targeted for this particular method on a flight, be assured that it's one's own fault, and that one should make a greater effort to look or act less like a hijacker the next time one flies. A name change and/or plastic surgery may be required if treatment persists on a semi-regular basis.

  • #48.
    1. Upon hijackers demand to enter the cockpit, pilots should readily assent, but explain that entry requires completing a multiple-choice quiz, which can be improvised by the co-pilot on the back of a napkin and slid under the cockpit door.
    2. The actual questions on the multiple-choice quiz are irrelevant, as are the answers, being that Islamic fundamentalists have no freedom of choice.
    3. Pilots are free to continue pointing out various landmarks along the way for the remainder of the vcoyage, while the terrorists huddle around the quiz, futilely scouring their pocket-Korans for the answers.
    4. If turbulence is impending, have flight attendants graciously offer hijackers full cups of coffee.
    5. If expected turbulence is not subsequently encountered, passengers directly behind the hijackers are allowed to quietly inflate their air-sickness bags, and pop them on the count of three.
  • #49.
    1. As above in #48, but employing the standard "Quiz on Basic Logic" form, now provided in most cockpit emergency kits.
    2. Being that Islamic fundamentalists always eschew rationality and logic in favor of blind faith, coming up with answers to the ten questions should take the terrorists, collectively, well over the four to six hours required for the average cross-country flight.
    3. If they do manage to complete the logic quiz before landing, give them the multiple-choice quiz referenced in item #48.
    4. Allow them to take incomplete quizzes with them to prison as homework.
    5. Give extra credit for the right answer to the question of why life is better than death, for everyone except them.
  • #50.
    1. When box cutters are found to have been stowed on a plane by a ground-crew accomplice, replace box cutters with look-alikes, out of which pop little American flags when activated. Deluxe models also play the Star Spangled Banner.
  • #51.
    1. Upon terrorists' announcement of their intentions, all passengers should begin cheering wildly, retrieve the bag of party favors from the seat pocket in front of them and start throwing confetti.
    2. Thank terrorists profusely for rescuing everyone on board from their miserable lives of material excess and freedom in America, and for the opportunity to die a glorious death at a young age.
    3. Ask them how it is that they came to be Buddhist terrorists.
    4. When they express surprise and claim to be Muslim terrorists, ask suspiciously why it is then that they chose the pork cutlet for their meal rather than the breaded fish sticks.
    5. The terrorists will become alarmed at the possibility of having ingested pork (sinfully unclean, according to Islam), and they'll swear it was chicken.
    6. Resist the urge to argue the relative health risks of eating chicken vs. pork, and insist that the meat may have tasted like chicken, as many airline entrees do, but it was pork, nonetheless.
    7. Escort them to the galley, where henceforth, all flights will carry a small number of empty meal containers clearly labeled as having pork as the main ingredient in all meal items, including the brownie.
    8. When terrorists rush to lavatory to induce purging, lock them in for the remainder of the flight.
    9. Return to browsing the in-flight shopping catalogue.
    10. Phone in an order for a case of Grade-A Prime Texas steaks, and the remote-controlled foot massager with three speeds, and one of those nifty night-light pens which can write upside down and under water.
  • #52.
    1. When hijackers threateningly wield box-cutters, flash the "Box Cutters Local 109" badge now standard in most anti-terrorism kits, and ask to see the hijackers' union cards. Explain that just because they went to flight school doesn't mean diddly when it comes to being licensed to use a box cutter.
    2. Make them take the test, requiring that they produce a perfect map of the United States, complete with the states' borders, and the states accurately labeled, carved into the back of the seat in front of them.
    3. Continue to supply caffeinated soda to the five-year old who's sitting in the seat in front of them, playing with the reclining button.
    4. When terrorists can't remember which is Wyoming and which is Nebraska, punish them by closing the tray tables on their fingers.
    5. When they fail the test, make them give camel rides up and down the aisles to the five-year old, and to anyone else who's interested, for the remainder of the flight. Passengers are encouraged to kick camels as they pass, if camels begin moving too slowly. Camels are not to obstruct the free passage of beverage carts. Pilot is authorized to go out of his way to encounter turbulence.
  • #53.
    1. Find three likely looking fellow passengers and pretend to be a team from another al-Qaida cell.
    2. Declare with extreme anger and disappointment that the hijackers are on the wrong flight, that they've probably irredeemably screwed up the entire operation for everybody, maybe even doomed the whole of the Islamic world-cause. Osama is going to be very, very angry. But maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for them to intercept their designated flight, which just happens to being making a layover in Tulsa in half an hour.
    3. State that you'll try to keep the Mullah from condemning them as traitors and infidels and having their nails plucked out, but in the meantime, they'd better just shut up, sit down, and let the professionals take things from here.
    4. Insist that, given their incompetence, you can't even trust them to use their box cutters properly, and you'll have to take possession of the cutters for the remainder of the flight.
    5. Make them prostrate themselves on the floor and parrot the Koran, in hopes of saving their miserable souls, for the rest of the flight.
    6. Keep an eye on them, but feel free to take your seat again and continue reading your Wall Street Journal.
  • #54.
    1. Accept all flight-school applicants who just happen to be from terrorist-sponsoring countries into a very special flight school south of Miami, which has a single runway extending out over the Atlantic.
    2. After about two hours of basic flight instruction by the best dental technician in the area, focusing mainly on how to take off, load them all onto an old plane that's scheduled for scrapping, and tell them it's time for their first pop quiz.
    3. Instruct them to fly due east for exactly three hours, to where they'll see a marker buoy with an American flag on it, around which they should circle three times before returning.
    4. Reassure them that there's plenty of fuel for a three-hour flight.
    5. Reassure them that the "WTC Airlines" which someone has spray-painted on the side of the plane is a meaningless coincidence.
    6. Alert the Air National Guard, who will escort the plane east for the first 90 minutes of the flight.
    7. Make note in Palm Pilot to send more WTC Flight School brochures to al-Qaida.
  • #55.
    1. Threaten that if the hijackers don't cease and desist immediately (it's a lie: the following will occur anyway, whether they crash the plane or not; remember that it's always fair and moral to lie to terrorists), that if they don't desist, we'll open a McDonalds, a Starbucks and a Toys-R-Us in downtown Kabul. That not only will we rebuild the WTC in New York City, but eventually we'll build one in Afghanistan too. And we'll teach their women how to drive. And we'll give the women credit cards. And the right to work again. And the right to vote. And the freedom to show their beautiful faces in public. And the right to hit back.
  • #101.
    1. Upon being hijacked, remember that you're an American, and that this is America.
    2. Recall the words of Todd Beamer, one of the Americans on United Flight 93, retaken heroically on Sept 11, 2001.
    3. With calm, confident determination, tell your fellow passengers, "Let's roll."
    4. Go kick some terrorist ass.